What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
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My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.