Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
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My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
nyc:
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.