Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
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[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
cat vs inanimate object
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.