If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
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If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L