You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
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I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
this is the best day of my life
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes