Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
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“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.