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My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Storm Tropical Storm
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”