Why do meteors always land in craters?
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My Plans 2020
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets