Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
You Might Also Like
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I’m confused about plants
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.