broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
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10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.