If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
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So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr