Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
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Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.