Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
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17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.