I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
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Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
No point crayon over spilled milk.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.