Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
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[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
who did the taste test?
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
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Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
this is how life feels
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*