A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
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The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
This is I, Robot all over again
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Finally! 😈
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes