My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
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me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.