i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
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The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.