still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
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Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team