Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
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Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
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Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.