Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
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[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)