Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
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*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
No Google it does not
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.