I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
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[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
All generalizations are stupid.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid