5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
You Might Also Like
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once