me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
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Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
This is I, Robot all over again
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Comparing yourself to others
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.