Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
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Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
this has to be peak English
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…