My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
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The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak