why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
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I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please