Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
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*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]