[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
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My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
This is the one
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.