If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.