Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
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things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.