Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
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I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did