Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
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My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
That’s fair
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time