The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
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Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean