Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
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nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
🙅🏻
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Oops
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs