Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
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not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*