So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
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Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar