For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
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It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
*updates tinder bio*
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.