Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
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My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”