While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
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Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.