My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
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“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Noted.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.