“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
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When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
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[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters