[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
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I triple waxed for this?
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.