All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
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idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.