my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
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ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.