I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.