me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
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ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak