I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
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I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.