GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
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[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.